Assumption of Command

01 June 2005

The Beef Jerky Debate Rages On!

I will let you decide if this is a serious or a funny post, because I just don't know yet.

I knew this would come to head sooner or later, There is a guy who is really getting on my nerves and is ruining my whole deployment. I can't seem sleep at night. I wake up with cravings that I just can't seem to satisfy. I find myself muttering "I must stop the damage he is doing". I think I might be going crazy.

I was going to let it all just pass by the way side, but the perpetrator crossed the lines of debate by posting this comment in response to Boxes of cool stuff:
Sir, please don't continue the conspiracy of Beef Jerky. Who's paying you to say these things??? No iPods, huh? Cheers!
Of course I am talking about JP, The National Guard Experience, to be further reference as the hated "Beef Jerky Nazi", because I can just hear him snatching some poor privates valued Beef Jerky from his hands and saying with full prejudice and feelings "NO JERKY FOR YOU!" and proceeding to give the Beef Jerky the death fitting a BoohBah!

I am mad as all get out and I'm not going to take it anymore.

Let's get to work.

The "Beef Jerky Nazi" started all of this nonsense a little while ago in his Golden Rules series of Posts, by telling people back home what not to send us here: The Golden Rules of Care Packages. I thought this a great list of stuff, until I came across this shocker:
III. Do not send Beef Jerky. I repeat, DO NOT send Beef Jerky. Unless the war just started and you were the first person to get a care package to a soldier, but it's years now and we got beef jerky coming out the wazoo. If your goal is to disappoint a lonely soldier in a war-ravaged country, send it, but otherwise don't believe all the hype about beef jerky. It's a damn conspiracy. You may as well send sh%t shrink-wrapped.
I let this pass think that the "Beef Jerky Nazi" was just trying to be funny. Who in their right mind wouldn't like a nice spicy piece of Beef jerky to tide them over until dinner? That stuff is great. And yes by inference you can deduce from my statement that the PETA People are not in their right mind. I also gave him the benefit of the doubt that he has never had a truly good piece of Jerky.

Boy, was I wrong! In his next Golden Rules post he tries to help other soldiers in asking for what they want or need in The Golden Rules of Care Package Wish Lists. We don't get to far into this post before we truly find out this guy is mental:
Pure genius. Since writing the first Golden Rules of Care Packages, I've been promoted from E-4 to Sgt Major, signed a book deal with a major publisher, received numerous interview requests from Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh (to name a few of my fans), starred in my own action movie, and stockpiled more money from my Mortar Maggots t-shirt sales and Ads by Google clicks than I know what to do with.
I must say he is having some grand illusions. But We find in this post helping soldiers communicate with their supporters exactly what they want, he dedicates an entire rule to Not asking for Beef Jerky:
IV. Quit telling supporters you like Beef Jerky. Damn it, get an imagination. Asking for beef jerky only proves you have no original thought. You're the same person that asks for: canned goods, food, magazines, and personal hygiene items. You're making it worse for the rest of the soldiers in Afghanistan and Iraq and it's pissing us off. The next soldier that asks for beef jerky should be kicked in the gut. If you're in the field for 30 days straight it's understandable, no forget it's not. I'd rather eat Country Captain Chicken MRE than another piece of beef jerky. Use your brain the military issued.
First off the country Captain Chicken MRE is one of the better ones. It actually has flavor and it comes with some of the better sides. but that is a debate for a whole different post. I have an imagination, but I like Beef Jerky and I would like to see the "Beef Jerky Nazi" come over here and try to kick me in the gut. By the way how is the Google and T-shirt thing coming along? I really think he is just trying to ruin the culinary masterpiece that is the Jerky for all of us here. Someone must have taken his away and now his trying to ruin, just like the little kid who takes his ball and goes home! Why can't we all just get along.

The "Beef Jerky Nazi" later tries to tell us what we really want. This is actually a pretty good list of stuff and quite funny.
I sincerely appreciate all the Care Packages I receive, and this is only intended for a good laugh.
Yeah Right, Read on:
I'll try to explain this in the nicest way possible below. Mind you, we're people like you. Do you eat 20 pds of Beef Jerky a week?
Doesn't everybody? Just kidding. But he is still trying to crimp my supply lines again. How dare he.
X. I'm not afraid to ask what we really want. Portable DVD players. Lap tops. iPods.
Now we know what the real motive is here. The "Beef Jerky Nazi" wants free electronics. I find it very hard to tell people back home that my life wouldn't be complete without an Ipod. Come now.

I just hope The "Beef Jerky Nazi" gets some treatment when he gets home as he will be home soon. If you don't get help from the Army get help somewhere.

Just remember just because some people don't like Beef Jerky, it doesn't mean I won't gladly take it off his hands.

And if you are still wondering, yes this is supposed to be a funny post.

Update: The response to this post is still coming in, but I have taken Andrew's Idea and created a home for the brand new group to fight the "Beef Jerky Nazi". Behold: Bloggers For Beef Jerky.